How To Make A Customer Service Complaint

Not A Fanatic

If you want to know how to make a customer service complaint, then look no further; today I am going to talk you through how to get exactly what you want from those big nasty corporations.  We will look at this in two parts; the don'ts and the do's.

The Don'ts

1. Don't tell the customer service agent that you are a lawyer, solicitor, barrister, or a politician; they will put you on hold, laugh at you, and then come back and tell you to speak to the legal department.
2. Never start off by screaming down the phone, a good customer service agent can tune this out in a second, and you'll just end up sounding like some perverted heavy breathing nut job; who happens to have a problem with their bill as a secondary concern.
3. No matter how much you think you know about consumer law, forget it; customer service agents are above the law.  In fact, I'd go as far as to say that they live on a completely different plane of existence.
4. If you are going to ask for compensation, please, please, please don't demand 1 million Dollars; you come off sounding like Dr Evil, and the customer service agent will be forced to hang up before they choke to death laughing.
5.  Never ask for a manager, because you believe that they can resolve your complaint; you couldn't be more wrong in that assumption.  You will only find yourself talking to someone whose cognitive skills lie somewhere between those of a red neck and George W Bush.  Customer service managers get paid to monitor the customer service agent's toilet breaks; anything else is well outside of their remit.  

The Do's

1.  Do start the conversation with a compliment; customer service agents spend the whole day being screamed at, so they are going to bust a gut making sure your complaint gets resolved.
2.  No matter how pissed you are that your bank balance is in the red due to the company's crappy software billing you 1 million dollars (Ironic, isn't it?), act like it's no biggie.  Then when you ask for compensation, the customer service agent will be completely off guard and probably blurt out the first figure that comes to mind.  They are usually trying to keep track of the number of calls they've taken until it is time for their next smoke break, so the figure should be pretty high.
3. If you are faced with an IVR that presents you with multiple illogical options; repeatedly press the hash key on your handset until you speak to a human.  This will generally put you through to the janitor's office but they tend to be more helpful than the customer service agent who, by the way, is seconds away from passing out at their desk, because the only way they can get through the eight hours of work is to down a bottle of vodka for breakfast.
4. Spend forty five minutes explaining how history, from the industrial revolution, to the advent of the Internet, was really just a way for the big corporations to syphon off your savings through the use of bluetooth headsets.  The customer service agent will  invariably lapse into a catatonic state and will now be totally under your control.
5. Finally; deliver your complaint in the style of a Haiku.  The customer service agent is most likely studying philosophy, and if you're lucky, that combined with the vodka will make them think they are speaking to Nietzsche; and seriously, who's going to say no to Nietzsche?